Hey.

HEY, i m ok. i was watching films. i say NO to my sex buddy. he's got tiny nipples and never looks hot. i m through with that and presume i was doing the right thing. i m so sorry to get him out of my Q list. anyway. we don t need each other so what a big deal?

everything s fine. i love 'the sitter' cause it makes me think more. it inspires me, if one really don t love you, you don t have to die! just like my mum and dad. what the hell do they know?! they don t know anything!! so i just be myself and let them be theirs. i don t care. sometimes i feel desperate but it s ok. i know it s ok. someday my prince will come. you know what? if he wouldn t fucking show up and, i don t care! i just be me. why someone have to love someone? if love, the guy really know how to love? NO, they don t know piece of shit.

i m ok. sometimes i know my mum s love for me. my true friends' too. they sometimes be good and sometimes sucks. i tonight don t want to answer my mum s call. i think i can t stop her calling but still hope her understand. i don t want to be freaks or something. i know i might be gay. i m fucking sorry. maybe i just too want others to love me and me love others. but it s not neccessary, dude. i know. people sometimes do fucking shits. yet they still alive. you don t have to make things serious. but you need to accept it. and do the right thing. don t be silly, please. just chill out. can t stand on it, quit. like it, accept it. too overdo, dump it. there s nothing which can t solve out.

逃避

我用左好耐既第一個郵箱居然比人盜左。之前佢叫我修改密碼，但係太難了，記憶久遠，所有以前寫既資料都消失於記憶中，只剩下只言片語。但係佢就盜吧！反正都系無乜重要既野留低。郵箱，對於我來講，對於我呢個無所事事既少年來講，除左系一個負擔，一個標籤，一個標誌，佢再唔可以成為第D乜野。maybe系因為我所處既環境，我接觸既人，決定左呢個現實。
同自己講：根本唔重要！忽略佢啦！——其實系幾有突破性既。因為我以前講野，系為左講比其他人知，to inform或者to arouse。我最中意既就系arouse到人地既共鳴，可能系遺傳左我老豆既。依家習慣孤獨，有時徹底放棄呢種念頭，同時徹底放棄以前既自己，就好似不能承受的生命之輕裏面講話，徹底背棄自己既所有野，慢慢失去支撐，沉到地底。於是我系一個無人識我既地方，或者網頁裏面，成為一個無關緊要既人，我會徹底讓自己放縱。
本來應該好似其他人一樣，發洩自己既不滿吧。但係呢，我又變風格了。我覺得，應該唔系薩比娜既叛己所叛，而系，尋求新既可能性。我系一個徹頭徹尾絕對貪新鮮既人。一個永遠都長唔大既細路。

我本來打緊不能承受的生命之輕裏面一D我覺得絕好既句子。其實呢本書，全部，我都覺得好雋永。
我唔止一次質疑自己做呢件事既意義。岩先，想法有左新進展。我霖我系籍此逃避我所生活的環境裏的喧囂。
我都不止一次霖，點解我唔即刻離開呢度？好難，對於我來講好難。因為我遺傳左媽咪既責任心。我絕對絕對，唔可以丟低我媽咪。雖然媽咪有好多缺點，但係佢系世界上唯一愛我既人，我點可以對唔住佢？
回到逃避。點解要逃避？因為我必須要做D野去對抗呢度既所有野，所有束縛，同埋一D我絕對唔會認同既野。我既觀點從來都咁明確，從來都唔允許自己質疑自己。要是質疑，就調整再確信。
依家系執行既時候發生問題。當日子慢慢過去，我從來沒有同伴——以前可以話有，但係依家我認為我系呢度再都穩唔到。或者我忍受唔到瑕疵，又或者，大家都已然失去對理想既激情吧。感我呢？老實講，我就系內心有D動搖了。

我有時都超級唔確定。但係我唔允許自己質疑某種直覺。天性。從小到大。於是患得患失，思前想後，永遠都是那麽猶豫以及軟弱。

最近我系比從前確定。我體會到自己內心有種強大的平靜。以前我強迫自己平靜，內心還是有點虛，覺得站不住腳。依家呢，我終於唔使絲絲縮縮了。逐漸擁有呢種淡定我覺得好幸運。
其實從來都沒有什麽可以評斷一個人。做人就應該做得似自己。系唔應該因為他人既行為，聲音，意見，而丟掉自己賴以生存既原則，精神。
高三以及高三之後一段日子，我經歷左一段極度難熬既日子。我問自己，系咪如果我失去我既原則，我既夢想，我既個性，我就會死？
答案系：絕對會死。
於是，系搖擺不停既心裏，無論如何，最終我都會話比自己聽：你必定要遵循自己既心意。

依家既苦惱，只不過是因為唔夠堅定。

我身邊，呢個世界上，無論反對同贊同我既人，佢地各自既數量系多定少，我自己，我既存在，呢個渺小既存在，系唯一我活著既證據。必然要善待。特別系我既靈魂。

依家無人會重視好似我呢D感既人。但我無所求嚕。只希望能夠自己看一看這個世界，得到真正幸福既安穩。

類似，其實我寫博客咪又因為呢種深層次既原因！
所以，花時間去記錄不能承受的生命之輕，並受它啓發，也許是我唯一能夠做的事。
也許堅持我自己，就是我對社會的最大貢獻。每個人，只要做好自己該做既野，都系對社會既貢獻。

甘樣霖，舒服好多。

唔！

估唔到上個博客都要翻牆。
呢度可以講粗口了挂？！
唔好又話注意和諧啊！！！！屌。

聽緊summer helicopter..kikuyu就呢首歌好聽。記得未一齊傾過計既zoey系我隔離大贊佢靚女。

可惜，豆瓣上依家唔知點解聽唔到呢首歌。只好去睇MV。個MV認真jap.
我要買翻本廣州話字典。

係甘多先。